Down with the kids

I hate Indoor Play Centres - there I said it! Everyone else seems to love them, and once in a while, I figure it is me and not them - and I agree to attend one with friends and invariably regret it!

For me, the place is always like a scene from Dantes hell! The acoustics are always terrible. I am deafened by the blood curdling screams of 100 kids, happy and sad at any moment reverberating off the plastic surfaces. The parents sit around trying to ignore their kids as they read magazines and always look haggard and at wits end - because it is after all, a place of last resort. The average visitor appears to be a mother with three ballistic boys under 4 years old - looking for respite after 3 rainy days in a row!

But it’s not even the aesthetic and crap coffee that turns me off the most - my biggest concern is safety. The kids are pretty much unsupervised and packs of 4/5 year olds roam like the Lord of The Flies. Last visit within 5 minutes I had witnessed big Sis being pulled backwards off a bike by her hair and knocked to the floor of a jumping castle where a delightful set of 4 year old twins were deliberately attempting to jump on her head!

Anyway, instead of sitting down with a (terrible) coffee and a magazine I spend my time running around like a maniac after 2 kids going in different directions! I also think the places are candy stores for child abusers, there are so many kids, total chaos and such a false sense of safety among the mums and dads!

The front entrance is somewhat supervised by staff but the last centre I visited had a lockable disabled toilet at the back of the play area, unable to be seen by the centre staff or the parents in the coffee shop area. There was also a fire exit on the same wall - scary!

So where do I go when the weather is inclement and the kids are (literally) climbing the walls? We love the Melbourne Museum. The kids area is fantastic, hands on, climbing and exploring, quiet reading corners with great books and an outdoor play area that allow you to sit down and have a full view of what your kids are up to! The place is so well curated that even weary parents are captivated by the magic!

The space is huge and kids can run and explore, and best of all the coffee shop is great. The cost of entry for me Big Sis and Little Bro is $6, compared to $14 at indoor play hell!

Now I’ve owned up to my true feelings I’m going to try and be courteous and direct next time I’m invited to an Indoor Play Centre. Just like I’d coach Big Sis, I’ll say in a calm clear voice, “No thank you, I don’t want to go there!”